Match Report - Barnes
“HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID...”
London Exiles Emperor’s XV v Barnes Vets (who were very ugly)!
“Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night,....day!” Thought Tezza as he threw open the curtains on Saturday morning, wearing only a pair of black socks.
“Hmmmm smells like a rugby day to me!” He beamed. Hands on hips, penis gently waving towards his neighbours, as Rosie rolled her eyes, sighed and tied her dressing gown in order to head downstairs and prepare kippers and poached eggs on sourdough with a dill and parsley compote...
Meanwhile off West Hill, Corndogs’ Sonos belted out ‘Circle of Life’..... “Hakuna Mattata” he smiled to himself as he sat at breakfast with the family, already dressed in his rugby kit, boots on, gum guard tucked behind one ear.
Indeed, variously across the metropolis, the Emperors stirred, farted and burped their ways out of bed, drank coffee and Red Bull (sometimes together or with a Sambuca) and prepared for The Game....
All that is save for one.
He, being a complete ‘numpty’, was in Worcester!! – but, dear reader, we’ll come back to this momentarily.
Unlike our prior outing, Saturday brought a dry, mild and calm day. Perfect conditions if you are a high quality, athletic and fit rugby side and not bad news for the Emperors either.
Tezza, in characteristic Tiggerish fashion, has requested a 1.15 meet for a 2.15 kick off. He didn’t arrive at 1.15. Nor did anyone else, By 1.30 there were five, one of which was Whaldog, who sent out a note about how nice the new changing rooms were (perhaps in an attempt to coax people there quickly?), by 1.40 around ten had arrived and by 1.50 a full compliment (less one).
At this point, dear reader, we must return to Worcester, or more accurately the M40.....
“Fucking traffic...., fucking road system...., fucking dickhead....!” He finally admitted to himself. Yes, you guessed it, Edge - the eternal optimist - had as usual, completely under-estimated how long it would take him to get from the West Midlands to Barnes. Why was he in the West Midlands? Don’t ask....
He screamed into the car park at 2pm (remarkable in itself) and was lucky that Corndog the Junior (aka Pete) was there to take an armful of shirts to the pitch side, where the team we impatiently waiting.
Barnes looked big, hairy and ready. The team that is, not the place!
The whistle blew.
“What the fuck are you doing on the sideline?” Edge cheerily greeted Mini with as he strode up to the pitch. “We have numbers!” Retorted mini. It didn’t answer the question....
Barnes started just as they had looked and quite quickly bullied a rather ring rusty Emperors up the field.
Through a series of missed tackles and fumbles in the first twenty minutes, Barnes extended a 19-0 lead, which should have been 14-7 had the Emperor’s not butchered a simple wide out run in, by passing inside instead and knocking on. Shame really, it was a fantastic break by new wing Josh, who looked full of running.
However, the Emperor’s slowly started to gel (or coagulate depending on how you see things!). Passes went to hand and tackles started to stick and pressure started to tell. The pack started to carry and make strong yards with big performances from Pottsy, Rups, Flem, Champers, Forty and Big Henners – The Greyman was on loan from the firsts for the weekend. And so, just on twenty five minutes and after sustained pressure on the Barnes try line, Corndog (the Senior) muscled over on about seventh phase to score. 19 - 7.
Yes, we converted the kick! Or Tom did. It’s fun playing rugby when you actually have a fly half that can play fly half. And Tom can! He also brings the added bonus of having an upside down head, which is fun.
The backline continued to run well and stretch Barnes, with Paz and Mini variously marshalling at scrum half, Tezza and Liam smashing up the centres all afternoon and Nick, Josh, Yooj and Darcy (who thought he was turning up to play touch rugby! A useful con we have decided to use in future), all bringing pace to the back three.
More push and shove brought wide out results for the Emperors on the stroke of half time as a fake off the scrum by Mini and pick and pass from Henners, pushed the ball wide for Josh to scream in for an unconverted try. The break showed a 19 - 12 scoreboard.
Half time chats should always be a highlight. All those rousing ‘come on lads, lets smash em’ type comments. We all agreed Barnes were shit and that we could win and so we trudged back to our positions for the second half, everyone privately thinking ‘if they really are shit, we must be even worse..., cos we are behind!’
The second half started briskly. Barnes are good outfit and play regularly and as such gave no quarter. Their cornerstone being a big a strong pack, who were happy to front up.
Which, dear reader, brings me to the title of this report. The Corndog Junior had been his usual combative and useful self around the pitch. Never one to shy from confrontation, he was to be found in the thick of things constantly, and so it was that at about the 60 minute mark, there occasioned a modicum of handbags as someone in the Barnes pack got a bit edgy about a flying fist (have they never played rugby before?). The handbags led to a few chin forward, neck craned, ‘I’m tougher than you’ type staring matches, one involving Corndog the Junior. Unfortunately, Pete’s response to some ugly Barnes bloke daring him to have a pop, was to knee the guy soundly in the nuptials......
All hell broke loose.
Fists were raised, everyone shouted, Tezza ran over, the referee looked panic stricken.... it was terribly exciting!
And as the sides were pulled apart, the Barnes pack growled ominously, “He knows what he did”, “He knows what he did”.
In fairness, Pete did know exactly what he had done, after all, he’s not a moron! But let’s be clear he wasn't going to admit it to a bunch of Neanderthal, Fat Fucks, who seemed to be hopeful that a judge with a big wig was going to jump out of the bushes and sentence him to the gallows. One of their front row kept saying it again and again, as he walked back to the mark, as though it was therapy! Maybe it was.... Or maybe he was just practising speaking.... Learning new words and stuff...
Anyway, I digress, but with good reason, for the remainder of the game tipped and turned, pitched and waddled and puffed its way through a dry 40 minutes, which yielded a 0-0 score line.
The final result therefore 19-12 to Barnes.
In the round up afterwards, last words went to Henners who summed it up “Come on lads! Smile. We’ve had a laugh and earnt a beer, let’s go and down a few pots!” And with that came Shower, Change, Bar and Banter. Can’t wait for the next one.
Thank you Tezza (of the perfect bonnet and schoolboy gorgeous looks) for your excellent leadership and organisation.
We could have won ! But then again,....‘We know what we did’!